2019 started off as a trash tier year for me, I talked about some of this in the "how are you doing" threads we've had this year. I'd basically been deeply depressed since ~October 2017 when I'd tore my Achilles and this girl I'd been working with/flirting with moved to a different city, and my ex who I'd still for some reason kind of held out hope on getting back together with (which, why, llamas, why) got official with some new guy, and one of my friends backed out on moving to a different state with me when we'd been planning on doing it for a long time, it was all a major kick in the balls over the course of a week. The Achilles tear was probably the biggest blow, since football has basically become my emotional crutch, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to play again. I tried to go in 2018, but we had a new shitty head coach (he would only call run plays to the left lol) who just didn't like me so he wouldn't even give me a chance to get on the field, and then when I did manage to sneak out there, I just couldn't go 100%. (Which makes a ton of sense because it was only ~7-8 months after tearing my Achilles.)
I was ready to be done playing football since I clearly didn't have it anymore, and I was completely lost. But then our legendary defensive coordinator decided to come back, "one last ride." And a bunch of other guys thinking of hanging it up, bought in as well, "one last ride." Practices were popping, we had intensity and fire and we were going to run the league. And then Coach Gary had a heart attack unexpectedly, and died just a month before the season kicked off. He was a player's coach, he'd get tough on you and yell at you if you fucked things up, but he was also the kind of guy to come to you post game, ask you how you're doing outside of football, give you shit with his trademark grin for "not getting in there more" when you got speared in the back on an onside kick recovery, etc. Just an all around admired person. And losing him really deflated our season.
We finally turned the ship mid-season, getting our first win(s!) since pre-Achilles tear llamas, and we were in the playoff hunt. Then the original owner of our team, who was battling cancer for I think at least the third time after being exposed to Agent Orange, died on the morning of our second-to-last game, a "win and in, doesn't matter what happens next week" game. He was the grandfather/father figure to our current owner, who is one of my best friends, and without him, we wouldn't ever have had a team, and I don't know if I'd be here today - not just as who I am today, but even being alive - without him. We lost that game in heart breaking fashion, winning 14-12 with less than 2 minutes left and we throw a bubble screen from our own 20 that the defense read all day, and had the easiest go-ahead pick 6 ever. During the week, we went to Marv's funeral, and so many guys there were like "let's win this last game for Marv!"... and then none of them showed up to the final game, winner makes the playoffs as the final seed, and we had 18 guys show up to their 45. I had to play both ways and special teams, something I hadn't done (nor had I been in shape for) since high school. I scored the first 2 points on an early safety, sacking their QB, and then after they answered with a TD to make it 6-2, we scored one of our own late in the 1st half, going up 8-6. But we were all gassed from basically playing a full game at that point, and we allowed a kick return touchdown to make it 14-8 going into halftime. And then the wheels fell off and we lost like 45-18 or something.
So all of that sucked, and I was trying to find a new job and kept getting rejected. But then things turned a new leaf around August, because I was named to the league All Star game, and also landed a new job within a week. I know I can't play offensive line anymore, so I've dropped from the (extremely undersized for even our league) 263lbs I weighed in August, to plateauing at ~245 for now just from cutting, and now I have plans to do keto again, which I did with great success in mid-2017, going from 243 -> 206 in around two months (pre-Achilles tear, I gave up on keto after that). My new job is phasing out of the "honeymoon period" and I really don't get paid enough for all the stuff they have me do and have to work every other weekend, and the actual work itself isn't awful but it's not great, but there's a ton of cute girls who I just constantly "harass" so that's a decent benefit, and while there's a tricky line on dating coworkers, I think I'm going to shoot my shot at this one girl I work with. I haven't been this into a girl in a long time. If it goes badly, I mean, I'm already souring on the job lol, I can just look for a different (better paying) one, right?
Overall, I wouldn't say Im truly happy, yet. My friend group has gotten a bit smaller this year, which sucks but is fine, because I think the friendships I do have, haven't been stronger. One of my friends moved to Florida, which he's been wanting to do forever, but he moved with the intention of getting into law school, and ended up bombing his LSAT and couldn't get into UCF or Florida A&M or wherever he was applying, and he had no backup plan, so he ended up alienating himself from his friends, from his girlfriend who still is in school in Wisconsin, and I'm getting kind of sick of him blowing up my snapchat with 64848848 minute long snaps of 3-5 closing ceremony firework shows from Disney each week lol. And my other friend got engaged in January to a girl he'd been with for 5 years, and in November out of nowhere she told him she hadn't loved him in over a year (but got engaged in January... you do the math) and they're no longer together, he made her give the ring back and everything. And I think, that absolutely sucks for them, but there are timelines where I was considering both of those situations - I was thinking of getting engaged to my "high school sweetheart", and I've also thought about moving but having no backup plan. But those aren't me right now. I'm not out of the woods yet, I've really dug myself a deep hole since 2015, and you could even argue since ~2012, but lately, it's been a step forward.
I think I'm actually getting confidence back that was shattered long ago. In 2020, I want to keep making those strides forwards. I don't know if I'm going to keep playing football - I love it so much, but I can't keep that weight on, and I'm liking the weight loss. So I want to get deeper into coaching at the high school level - I've been a scout for two seasons now but my hs coach came up to watch the state championship and I told him the gameplan for beating the #1 team in the state, and the other team did exactly as I'd told him, so I think I bought myself some respect on that level lol - or maybe even do officiating or something. And I'm sick of being single or in non-committed relationships, so I'm going to shoot my shot with that girl I've previously mentioned, or whatever. I'm not trying to rush anything in any aspect of my life right now, I just want to keep going upwards.