WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE NFL
Hey Kids, it’s your old pal Sarge here to answer the question that I’m sure you’re all thinking right now. Just what the fuck is wrong with the NFL? I’m sure you’re just as sick of your hometown heroes bitching and moaning as I am, so here I am to tell everyone just what I think. I’m putting the “man” in manifesto. I’m signing this as a declaration of fucking war. The NFL’s communist tendencies will NOT be tolerated further. This is not just a matter of life and death, this is a matter of FREEDOM. The NFL is a knight on the crusade for democracy, but right now it needs our help. We need to remind the NFL of what it can be, what it should be. We need to figure out just what the fuck is wrong with it, and fix it.
WHY THE FUCK do the worst teams get the best players? It’s fucking communism. The NFL draft is redder than the red square, it’s the Tiananmen of America. Look at fuckups like the Chargers and Giants. Every year they play poorly, and every year they get rewarded with the finest young men America has to offer. It’s a fucking travesty. When someone in this world is a Private Pyle, they need to be DISCIPLINED. For more information on how, check out Sarge’s Easy Guide to Discipline for only $9.99 plus shipping and handling at sargefootballacademy.com.
Instead of disciplining the worst teams, though, the NFL hands them players on a silver platter. In America the rich are supposed to get richer, and the poor are supposed to shape up. Why try harder to improve yourself if being a lazy fuckup gets you rewarded?
I propose that from now on the NFL Draft is inverted, and that the worst team in the NFL lose their first round pick entirely. If that happened then I guarantee you everyone would shape up quickly. But don’t just take my word for it. I am the #2 selling football author for ages 13-18, of course, but even my infinite wisdom doesn’t need to be taken without consideration. Have a vote, NFL, where teams decide if they should institute my system.
Of course, the ones who really know what is best for the NFL are those teams that are already successful. So to reflect that, NFL, you should make each team get one vote per win they got in 2022. If you do that, and listen to your brightest, I know you’ll find success.
The most important thing we teach in our schools today is that drugs are bad. But SOMEHOW the NFL never got the fucking memo. Once or twice a year the commissioner will give some player a slap on the wrist for possession of marijuana and then will pretend that the problem is somehow fixed. Through my contacts and anonymous sources I can promise you right now that AT LEAST 60% of the NFL are taking some kind of drugs. It’s a fucking epidemic out here.
Parents, are you concerned about your child taking drugs? For just $14.99 plus shipping and handling you can get Sarge’s How to Not Have a Crack Baby. Maybe the NFL needs to pick up a few copies too. If they did, they would realize that the only cure for drugs is good old-fashioned PUNISHMENT. Of course, the ideal punishment tool is Sarge’s Old Hickory Stick, only $6.99, I’ll mark it down to $4.99 for a limited time with the use of the code sargehatesdrugs at sargefootballacademy.com/deals. It’s good for couples too. Why?
Like 1960’s rock and roll, the NFL is getting dangerously close to communism. Also like 1960’s rock and roll the NFL is filled with degenerates obsessed with sex and drugs.
First of all, to my knowledge the NFL has welcomed its first openly gay players, Anthony Swanson and Josh Beckett. I don’t need to remind you what I think about faggots, so instead I’ll remind you that God fucking hates them. These two boys somehow came out of Georgia, one of my favorite states, like this, which is a real god damned shame. How can a man play football if he’s afraid of breaking a nail? There’s no advertisement here, I won’t tell any of you how not to become gay, because as long as you’re reading me you’ll be straight enough to keep out of trouble.
That’s not all that’s wrong with sex in the NFL, though. Recently news came out about the Lions’ Rex Walsh getting into some kinky shit with some midgets dressed in Packers uniforms. In my opinion, he should have been shot.
This year’s training camps have created more negative news stories than Guantanamo Bay. But unlike at Gitmo, these evils are absolutely unnecessary. One of the most tragic stories was that when Browns CB Cameron Marshall came to camp in his new Bentley nobody on his team cared. Here they had a teammate that spent his money intelligently, not wasting it on charities but by celebrating his own achievements, and they couldn’t even be bothered to shower him with praise. If you want to learn how to manage money like Cameron Marshall, view my podcast Sarge Saves you Money, which is available for FREE at my website sargefootballacademy.com/savemoney. Like so many players in today’s NFL the Browns were just jealous of their teammate’s success, skill and good looks. No wonder that team sucks dick.
Speaking of sucking dick, one team that has bitched and moaned incessantly are the Arizona Cardinals. In fact, the quarterback and Mike linebacker, the two leaders of the team, both whined throughout training camp about “how bad the team was” and “how incompetent the management is”. Well news flash, cocksuckers, complaining like this is equivalent to throwing up a white flag. And surrendering during the pre-preseason? These boys are giving the French a run for their money. How in god’s name are the other Cardinals supposed to follow these “men” into battle? It’s treasonous. If I were running the Cardinals I would have shot these assholes, or at least benched them. But their management is absolutely spineless. They have Christian Barkley, one of the hardest working and most honest quarterbacks in the league, yet they continue to trot out AJJ as their starter. Ridiculous. Yet it’s indicative of the league’s culture right now.
So many players, coaches, orgs are willing to roll over and die; you’d think they were Italian. Jonah Parker on the Giants has been terrible and blames it on a practice where he got yelled at for a couple minutes. Listen here Jonah, you massive pussy, if I had you on my team you’d have gone the way of Private Pyle by now. Such cowardice and faggotry should not be tolerated in any capacity. And how about all these players training their replacements? How does that show any sort of fighting spirit? Some of these men are in their thirties, their athletic primes, and yet they are giving up and “helping out the future generation”. All they are really doing is losing themselves a starting job.
But oh my god, the biggest pussy of them all is Will Chacko. This motherfucker gets a shot at the starting job, a chance to lead the team, and when he shits the bed he complains that he “wasn’t ready”. What the hell kind of mentality is that. Chacko is like a Chihuahua who’s lost its voice: a sad, pathetic and useless creature unable to even act intimidating. So many are afraid to be competitive nowadays. Rodney Montgomery teabagged a team who he shit on in practice, and everybody got mad. Oh boo fucking hoo, so someone got a little dick in their face, if he didn’t like it he shouldn’t have gotten burned on the field.
Yet there is one ray of light. One man who inspires hope in these dark times. In my opinion this young man is one of the finest to have ever walked the emerald turf. The face of my NFL. Aaron Devereaux.
Aaron took his teammates and bought guns this offseason. The message to his teammates is clear: “I would kill or die to win a superbowl”. It’s beautiful. Every man in this god-blessed country should be following in Aaron’s footsteps and use their second amendment rights. If you travel right now to sargefootballacademy.com/guns and use promo code DEVY then you will get 20% off any handgun, rifle or shotgun on your first order. Don’t let this opportunity go to waste. Arm yourselves for the coming conflict. If the NFL is any indicator America is losing its freedom and fighting spirit. Soon the commies will come knocking, and the only proper way to answer your door will be with a .45 magnum.
But maybe we can still salvage this. Maybe the NFL can be fixed. Write to your local team, your congressmen, complain, vote Republican, defeat this evil the good old fashioned American way: with democracy.
This has been Sarge, over and out.