Coming to this bowl season, for the final time, it’s…
Hey, hey and helloooooo this is Toucan here. Back again with some Pac 12 After-Dark action. If you’re from the East Coast and attempting to read this -- you know what, stay.
Normally, I’d say something snarky like go to bed or send a link to Pee Wee football or flag football, but today is different. And I’mma probably be banned from providing true content such as this because let’s get it straight:
You east coasters have been sucking on that Disney tit for a little too long. Your eyes have literally been glued to ESPN and you believe the SEC is the best and only league worth watching. Im’ma tell you right now that you’ve been lied to. Because let’s be real. Since y’all are on that Disney kool-aid, you probably think that streaming is a whole new technology because Disney released Disney+. You’ve never heard of it before until Disney started doing it. You probably don’t know what Netflix is. Maybe Hulu, but to you, that’s just TV on the internet. It’s not really streaming. You’ve been taking the Red Pill, and Pac 12 After-Dark is your blue pill.
Welcome to reality.
Now sit on down because this is gonna be worth the read. We’re going through everything from each Pac 12 team, their performance overall in the season and how I think they’ll do with their bowl Matchups.
It’s all fun and games until you realize the jokes you made earlier this season and last season aren’t really relevant anymore. Christian “Paul” Noonan has bamboozled us. First, there was the scandal in Boca Raton where he released his contraband cookies “Noonan-O’s”; but now? The dude has literally upset Oregon. Literally. I’mma talk about them later but they’re in therapy now after what Christian “Paul” Noonan did to them earlier this season. Arizona isn’t mild anymore. They’re just silly. They’ve literally turned the tables on the Pac 12 Championship, and they’re showing the entire West Coast they’re on the upswing.
The Arizona Mascot was given permission to wear this after their victory against Oregon
And it’s too late y’all. Go into any organic grocery store. Your Trader Joe’s, your Whole Foods, anyone of them. This guy doesn’t just have cookies. He’s got pasta jars.
Just ignore the fact it says Newman. I've been using this joke for weeks now.
We’re in Arizona’s endgame now.
And want to know a little irony? The Silly Kitties are facing against West Virginia -- who got their asses whooped by the Cyberducks earlier this year. Now that’s not saying that West Virginia isn’t a bad team. The Pac 12 is just superior in nature. The Mountaineers are a team that went to definitely-not-bowl-bound to wtf-why-is-this-team-winning-so-much-oh-god-theyre-in-the-big-12-championship-oh-what-sort-of-suicide-did-the-large-dozen-go-through-to-allow-this. Seriously, it’s like Martin Lake to that ass beating to heart, and when he got his job stolen by Curious George Story he remembered that he was playing football. And he started making the right passes and playcalls. And they also beat Baylor.
Their reward? They get to play the team that upset Oregon by 1 point.
Arizona State Solar Satans
Arizona State will always remain this enigma to me. You’ve got Israel Carlson at runningback; a scrambling/hybrid QB, and two 5* wide receivers who names I can’t remember simply because they literally do nothing. No, seriously. Neither of those two receivers got more than 800 yards. Maybe the excuse is that Israel Carlson’s just that good of a playmaker. It just baffles me that Arizona State is making a literal hell out of their wide receiver core when they’re supposed to be torching offenses.
Perhaps it’s an enigma I’ll never know about. QB Parker Townsend is in his final game, his swan song. Maybe he’ll show us what he’s made of. Maybe the heir apparent for the Solar Satans will do what Parker couldn’t.
You know what Parker will do though? Light up the Vegas Bowl against the Denver Broncos. After being relegated from the NFL to CFB, the Broncos went 10-2 under returning coach Azul. With their QB Hydra named Ian and JUCO rb named C.C. Henderson the Broncos quickly turned around their franchise program and won the Mountain Best. The only problem for this Broncos team -- which lost to Baylor btw -- is that they now face probably the hottest team in the Pac 12 in one of the hottest stadiums in the Western United States.
QB Cannon showing off his NFL-Talent arm
For a team that high up in the mountains, they’re fucked.
Colorado (One) Buffalo
If you’ve been keeping along with Pac 12 After Dark, you know about the tragedy of the Buffalo. If you’re an east coaster, this is something you’ve missed from the history books. You see, we almost endangered the Buffalo. Historically, the Colorado Bison we’re very well known program, trouncing teams left and right and pillaging through defenses with their famous run game. Unfortunately their golden age is long gone, and there’s so few of them left. Of those remaining, these Bison remain vigilant. They live in a sanctuary close to Boulder, Colorado, where they’re slowly rebuilding their program as we speak.
One of the finally Buffalo remaining. Don't worry, we were well protected when we took this photo
Will we see the reign of the Buffalo ever again? We sure hope so. Just beware, o’ east coast tourists who visit Boulder: trespassing onto Folsom Field will warrant you a ‘trampling.
[[Insert shameless plug for Be A Bison here]]
California Golden Noodles
I think my favorite success story so far in the Pac 12 is with the California Golden Noodlez. Back in my day as the Baylor Head Coach, we faced off against California twice -- and this team hit rock bottom during one of those years, I think 1-11. Thankfully under the former coaching of coach Kwayzarr and coach Noodles, the Golden Noodlez are back in town and back to bowling. Their much-earned season has earned them a trip to the Holiday Bowl where while on vacation they get to face the Michigan State Not-Trojans.
The Bears are going on Vacation!
This Thpartan thquad ithn’t what you’d expect folkth. Thith ith not the 11-2 team of yethter year. Ithaac ‘Mike’ Tython might be hyping up hith thquad ath part of the team pre-game ritual, but thith ith their firth vithit to the weitht coatht. They might’ve earned their bowl birth to vithit Than Diego, but thith ith a thquad not prepared to fathe a Pac 12 team.
QB Isaac Tyson wouldn't be happy if he read this. Thankfully, he can't.
You see, Zachary McFadden and Naiquon Barnhouse are a force to reckon with -- when one of these star runningbacks gets tired, the other simply takes their place. The Golden Noodlez are known to pile drive the ball straight stacked boxes and flimsy defensive lines. And when coach Noodlez feels like mixing it up, the ball is aired straight to Spencer Sharpe.
Michigan State doesn’t know what they’re walking into. They’re fucked.
Oregon Cyber Ducks
This season of the cyber ducks feels like one of those Oscar-nominated movies. The protagonist/team takes a gamble (takes some jucos), and make it all the way to hero-dom. The Ducks are on top of the college football world at #1. If their win against #1 (at the time) Auburn wasn’t enough for the east coast to blackout that game from viewership, it was the Ducks doing so well by forcing those fat-cat-suited pollsters to finally rank a west coast team as #1 in the nation.
And as the Cyber Ducks were on top of the world, so was their fall back to Earth. Two quick upsets from the Arizona Silly-Kitties and their nemesis has landed this very disgruntled and angry quacker to the Rose Bowl.
Bingo is just happy he no longer has to see these mascots together in Pac 12 Media ever again
How fucked is Illinois? Let’s put it like this:
Oregon just lost to their rival from up north. They get snubbed out of the Playoffs by that very rival -- who has three losses, mind you -- and is given the Rose Bowl as a consolation prize.
Yeah, I would be pissed too. Illinois might’ve allegedly ‘won’ against DubDub, but they’re fucked.
Oregon State Krypto-Beavers
How quickly can you rebrand the laughing stock of the Pac 12 into an up and coming program all in one season? You disguise yourself as Clark Kent and take the coaching job in Corvallis, Oregon. You joke, I’m being serious.
The beavers went from being dental-impaired beavers to the Krypto Beavers. They picked up the #58 recruiting class, yes, but a lot of that class is made up of seven 4* guys and two 4.5* fellows. Small class, big energy.
This Beaver Squad might’ve missed their dentist appointment and a chance at a Bowl Game, but this is a squad that seems to have finally sound some stability. And with that stability, there’s some change going on in Corvallis.
Power-5 teams looking for a cupcake, beware. You’re fucked.
The biggest mystery of this season -- where did the Imagine Dragons band go to? After a successful season under coach hit-song Believer, the Cardinal went off the charts into obscurity. Their head coach now remains anonymous, and so does the future of this program.
The Former Coach and hit song is rumored to be somewhere in southern Utah, but this is only a rumor.
This should bode well for Stanford. After all, the program hits gold when teams least expect it.
In other words, coaches looking for an easy win are fucked.
This is my favorite team in the Pac 12. Like, how can you go wrong with Aaron Hardon? Dude has lit up Los Angeles and given the city a purpose in life. They --- its hard to believe --- have a good football team. This squad is going to continue to get better, even by next year. Coach cultur3 is a man of class, one that USCLA is confident in leading and mentoring the young men of this USCLA Bruins team. The man is bringing in talent not just all over California -- but all the way from Florida too. Kids are excited to play for this coach. It shows. Watch out for this squad for seasons to come.
Aaron Hardon answering questions after the team's bowl announcement
While the Bruins fell short in the Pac 12 South Division, this squad will be facing the Virginia 9th Cavaliers Division in the Sun Bowl. A squad with much young talent, led by Cpt. Soldier Brooks, the 9th Cavaliers Division has shown flashes of potential through their own season. Corporal Jeremy Ellington has grown into his own role as the starting QB, upending former starter Sgt. Mike Davis, Pocket Squadron. Ellington, despite winning the starting job, took some growing pains. Had it not been for Ellington’s passing game and work ethic, the Cavaliers might’ve not made a bowl game.
Coach Beeznik discussing the team's plan to face the Bruins
So here we have, two young up-and-coming teams facing off in the deserts of West Texas. QB Aaron Hardon leading the USCLA Bruins, and QB Cpl. Jeremy Ellington leading the 9th Cavalry Division.
I’ve seen people hunting bears, but this is a no brainer. The USCLA Bruins are a Pac 12 team, after all. 70-3, Bruins.
Cavs, y’all are fucked.
This is my least favorite team in the Pac 12. Like, how did USCLA go wrong with Riley Sharp? Dude has attempted to light up Los Angeles and give the city a purpose in life. They, unfortunately, have not done well this season. Despite the plethora of talent, USCLA has been hampered by Sharp’s horrid QB play. 2,696 yards, 14 TD, and 9 interceptions?! That’s not USCLA quality. This team might be 8-4 and somehow ranked #25 in the nation, but this team underneath is a hollow resemblance of the playoff team from last year.
It’s debatable if this squad will continue to get better. Sharp is a freshman, yes, but coach Jambo is a man of debatable work ethic. The man might do the best to utilize his teams talent, forcing RB Carlos Bowser to run the ball and then suddenly not, but it’s hard to argue that this is the man that should be mentoring the young men of this USCLA Trojans team. The man is using his past achievements, but at what cost? Kids might want to come to USCLA to play, but the man is searching elsewhere out of California. Washington? South Carolina? Colorado? Really? There’s no talent in those states. You have high school athletes dreaming of going to school at USCLA and this coach is searching for elsewhere. If this coach was really looking for talent reload talent at USC, maybe instead of looking over the fence at his neighbors, he take a look at what’s in his own backyard.
Kamar Brandon gifting his mom with a new car after signing with USC
To top off this disastrous USCLA season, they’re going against Iowa in the Bay Area bowl. Two inconsistent teams that will struggle to make it to Santa Clara, park, and then struggle on the field. I love the Pac 12, but it’s very obvious that this is going to be a very close game for these two teams.
42-21, USCLA. Iowa is still fucked.
The season might’ve been lost to Ute fans, but there’s hope on the horizon. QB SharkFinn is getting used to the salt water over in Salt Lake City, and despite making 14 throws to players that aren’t Utes, his ceiling is higher than his current passing game. Recruiting-wise, the Utes are taking advantage of their situation and will soon be reeking havoc along the Rockies and beyond.
Freshman Finn Leonard
Fellow Pac brethren, beware. Teams doubting the utes, beware. Prepare to be fucked by SharkFinn Leonard.
Just not now, probably later.
Dub Dub Good Bois
Oh, look. It’s the talk of the town. The Pac 12 winning DubDub Good Bois. Djake Djavis has finally accomplished what the Good Bois haven’t done since 2016. Coach Jieret has pulled off his statsheet excel magic once again and have not only brought the Pac 12 trophy to Seattle, they’ve magically made it to the College Football Playoffs.
Hold on while I puke…
Dubs celebrating UW's victory in the Pac 12 Championship
Okay, I’m back.
I’m happy for them. Djake (hold on… heart attack) is a good quarterback. A good one, yeah. They get to rematch against the Smoo Mustangs, a team lead by a figment of our imagination.
Imagine it now, Djake getting a chance of redemption, again, throwing to D.D.D.D.Dyson. Will the Good Bois triumph past the Smoostangs? Will DubDub get redemption for their infamous loss in the 2016 National Championship?
I have one better: Will someone figure out what each D. stands for in Dyson’s name?
Things seem to repeat for the Cougs. They begin the season with a winning chance of taking the Pac 12 North, and always they coug’ their way to a lesser bowl game. There’s DE Quincy Hobson, ILB Aaron Mathis and CB Darron Rucker. On offense you have WR Luke Sikuli and OG Will Groves. It’s difficult to pinpoint where things continue to go wrong with this Cougs squad. Maybe their coach is out of touch. Maybe Hassan isn’t the Quarterback the Cougs expected him to be. Last season, they faced a Nevada Squad with two crazy OLBs including Jordan Butler. This bowl season, they’re miles from the West Coast and facing Louisville. A squad known for -- you guessed it -- an OLB named Zack Temple and a cornerback named Logan Swain.
Eh, this isn’t really a complaint. Just something of note. Coach Toucan might finally be seeing things for once. He’s coached middling squads since his tenureship at Baylor. A miracle run that took Baylor to the playoffs all thanks to the talents of one playmaker. Since then, the teams he’s coached teeter the fine line of bowl eligibility, and the talent of his squads continues to meddle and squander. Throwing in the towel is one thing, but one is left to wonder whether he could coach in the first place.
Coach Toucan exhausted after complaining about recruiting for the third year in a row
This season wasn’t entirely a favor. The damn bird himself managed to bring some talent to the fields of Pullman, Washington. Jared “Big Dick” Raddick from the heathens of Florida, has signed and made his way to the promised land that is the West Coast. One may never know what a Toucan-coached Raddick would look like. Will these coug squads get the shaft, or will finally swing the fences and win the Pac 12 North. Unfortunately, we will never know.
So, the question remains -- will the Cougs triumph over the Louisville Cardinals? Hard to say. All we know is that one of these teams is fucked.
Anyways, thanks everyone for tuning into Pac 12 After Dark. We had one helluva run -- granted one that is very inconsistent. We hope you enjoyed these articles, and that you would continue to tune into Pac 12 games and content in the future.
East coasters, we hope that you end up taking the blue pill this time and realize that this is where true football is played.
Will Oregon triumph over the Fighting Illini and redeem their season? Yes.
Will the Huskies finally defeat the Mustangs and continue through the playoffs? Maybe
Will the Golden Noodlez continue to surprise everyone with their football and their ramen? Yes
Will coach Cultur3 bring victory for the USCLA Bruins? Yes
Will coach Jambo bring victory and prestige to the USCLA Trojans? ……….yes
Will the Buffalo roam the plains once again and take the Pac 12 South? We hope so
Will Arizona finally earn the title Wildcats? Likely
Will the Solar Satans finally provide the West Coast with clean energy and amazing football? They already are
Will Stanford finally understand the importance of football like they understand academics? Yes
Will Oregon State become the Kryptonite of the North? Yes
Will Utah and Kirby unless the wrath of the SharkFinn beyond the summer of Shark Week? Yes
Will the Washington State Cougars break their Couging tradition and win something?
Find out in this final rendition of PAC 12 AFTER DARK