Coming this Bowl Season, it's...
Alright, folks. Welcome, welcome. I’ve been very inconsistent lately - not as consistent as Oregon’s Conference Championship losses - but we’ve made it to the Bowl Season for our final PAC-12 After Dark of the season!
Before we go through our bowl games, I want to give a special thanks to the Pac 12 teams who will be at home this holidays and staying up to watch their fellow Pac-12 Brethren play some damn east-coast schools.
Oregon State Beavers
The best way I can describe your season would be… awful results but great execution.
Just like this photo of starting LG Jacob Tucker:
California Golden Bears
Last time I talked about the Bears, I spoke about how USC RB Bowser was going to chow through the entire team which consisted of noodle brands, guitar brands, and sandwiches. It unironically happened - you don’t fight a giant koopa playing RB unless you grab an ax - and the Bears missed the bowl season.
On the bright side for the Golden Noodlz, if you look at their cupboard, the flavors they’re saving for next season are so spicy you’ll wonder how hot this team will get. You got the McFadden, a seasoned veteran at this point, Adam Gibson Les Paul also returns as the sole benefactor for their Defensive Line - and How could I forget about their most important player? Starting TE Kaihau A-llama. They got a llama on their team.
Still sucks to be a Golden Bear because they have to watch ALL THREE OF THEIR CALIFORNIA RIVALS ACTUALLY PLAY IN A BOWL.
The crazy kitties’ season was so wild that after their 5th win, they forgot how to play football and win a game. I swear, if you watch their final game against the Sun Satans, you could tell that someone put cat-nip in their Gatorade halfway through the 4th Quarter.
How the crazy kitties started the season
A defense with future 1st Rounder Eric Hall. Tyler Toney the Tiger. And even Josiah Benton could stop Israel Carlson, but remains practically wasted.
How they ended the season
I don’t want to end this on a negative note for the Crazy Kitties. Honestly, their one beacon of hope for their offense was in the Lone Kitten, Josiah Smallwood. This freshman is currently 3rd in Rushing Yards for all Pac-12 runningbacks. I can’t say much on how the Kitties roster will look next season, but I’ll be damned the last thing you’ll want to face in the Arizona desert is the Lone Kitten.
There’s not much to say as Kirby’s already done a good job of thanking his transition QB for the season. Their stadium is still filled with cardboard.
Okay, I think that’s all of the Pac-12 teams that will be plugged into their TVs this Christmas. Onto the important matchu- bah Gawd!
Tuesday, March 12th, Miami Gardens (USC vs. Alabama) @ 8:00PM EST
Coach Djambo is at it again bringing his team of Trojans to the playoffs! After their glorious victories over Aaron Hard-on and Oregon’s Jason Lip-Balm, Carlos Bowser and his band of Koopas are heading into the playoffs. This time, the Trojans are doing us West-Coasters a favor and fending off the Crimson Tide-Bottles in what looks to be a heated matchup in Miami. Now because this is a playoff game, I’m supposed to keep this game as unbiased as possible. Even though ‘Bama is a team in the Southeastern United Stated States.
So let’s do a quick comparison of these teams…
The Trojans have Bowser. The Tide have Edward Cullen.
USC QB Marc Lockwood is known for his stiff-arm.
Tide QB Linus Petty lost his blankey to his little sister.
The Trojan’s defended the city of Troy for ten years straight.
The Tide can’t even clean a beet stain from my dirty laundry.
Coach Djambo is a man of culture who’s actually won a PAC 12 championship.
Coach Cade could not win a PAC 12 Championship at Oregon. He also has yet to win an SEC Championship at Alabama.
We know how this game’s going to end folks.
Wednesday March 13, Cactus Bowl (Nevada vs. Washington State) @ 11:00PM EST
If you want to know the definition of disappointment, it’s TuscanSota’s squad in Pullman, Washington. The cougars can roar all they want with their talented DE Quincy Hobson, but this team’s stuttered since their match against the Oregon Cyber-Ducks. Their bowl is in Las Vegas of all places in a clearly-no-home-bias matchup against the Nevada Wolf-Pack-O. This Reno team historically is known for their Linebacker corps as the anchor of their defense. And while at a glance you’ll see that their OLBs are desperately thin, the players still standing happen to be players that make you wonder “How the fuck did the Mountain West poach all these NFL-Caliber players from the PAC12?”
Wazzu is known to roll with the punches whether it makes or breaks their team. But if you look closely at their gameplan - and I mean REALLY closely - it’s clear Tuscan’s too busy crying his eyes out over lost croots to really make the most out of this team.
Sunday March 17th, Vegas Bowl(Hawai’i vs Arizona State Sun-Satans) @ 11:30PM EST
[Meta]: If you somehow keep up with the articles I write on this site, then you’re probably aware that the Rainbow Warriors are led by a man who spends half of his days at the only Chick Fil’ A in Honolulu. J.T. Youngblood is all you need to know about the Rainbow Warriors. A man both a threat in the air as he is on the ground. He ran for over 500yds in the regular season, not including the sprints he makes to Chick Fil’ A after practice. He’s passed for over 3,000 yards, with both footballs and chicken nuggets.
But will this poultry-obsessed player be enough to take on the Arizona State Sun Satans?
On blazing fields of Hell Stadium in Tempe, Arizona, the Sun Satans performed rather mediocre. Finishing out the season at 6-6(-6), it took the final game of the season -- where the team ironically banished the Crazy Kitties from the bowl season -- for the Sun Satans to make it to their bowl game.
Sparky is staring into your soul
Don’t let their record fool you. As a team from the Conference of Champions, the Sun Satans are stacked with talent.
Israel (Irony) Carlson is the top RB in the PAC 12 in terms of both rushing yards and rushing touchdowns. A RB who is very consistent at ~106ypg, the Sun Satans are guaranteed to have production on the ground no matter how Israel plays. Sun Satan QB Parker Townsend isn’t the greatest runner, but that’s because his name isn’t quite as holy as Israel’s. Their WR core consists of two guys who I’d say are likely to make it to the NFL. Jordan Scott and Deon Kirksey have the potential to make big plays, but their stats combined only comes up to 1,314 Yards and 13 TDs. So I guess with their strength combined, the Rainbow Warriors are going to have to be extra careful with this double-trouble duo.
Overall, the Sun Satans did their duty this season: They made it to a bowl game; and not only that, they shut out their rival from even making it there.
So the question remains, who comes out on top of this game?
Depends on how badly Arizona State fries JT Youngblood’s chicken wings.
Monday March 18th, Holiday Bowl (Michigan State vs. Colorado Bye-Sons) @ 10:00 PM EST
Also Monday, March 18th, Sun Bowl (Miami (FL) vs. USCLA Bruins) @ 9:00PM EST
The Sun Bowl is what I would call the game between two Sleeping Giants.
Like coach AJ has been stocking the top shelf of his liquor collection, Miami has been restocking its roster since their Golden Age of Paul Davenport, Onterrio Smith and Brett Fisher, and other forgotten Miami QBs. Two straight seasons of 3-9 and an Independence Bowl victory later, AJ is back to bring the Hurricanes to victory. Seniors Jason Leadfoot and Ronnie Peterson are playing in their final game and remain eager to win out in a bowl game set in the sacred desert of El Paso, TX.
And the team they face? No one better than the USCLA Bruins.
Aaron Hard-On's pre-game ritual
The Bruins finally have a coach who is willing to use a scheme that isn’t the air raid. And yet, Aaron Hard-on showed off his stiff throwing mechanics by throwing over 270 yards (57% Pass Completion) in their loss to the Trojans. His USC counterpart Marc Morningwood has ran for more yards than this scrambling bruin has. Granted, he’s a freshman who’s busy bathing in his personal dorm jacuzzi, so who am I to judge? The Bruins managed to pull a 7-5 season, and Cultur3 himself is both behind and loyal to his young QB. The future looks bright for USCLA, but it all comes down to whether Aaron Hard-on can show the world he’s the next great USCLA QB.
So, who wins?
Miami has the talent, but USCLA has the quarterback. The Bruins are on the west coast, so my choice goes to the Bruins.
Sunday, March 6th, 1836, Alamo Bowl (Oklahoma State vs. Stanford Cardinal) @ 7:00PM EST
When Coach Tack left the promised land that is Utah State for Oklahoma State, he was relieved that he wouldn’t have to face Coach Believer ever again. Jokes on him, because now Tack is about to coach in the game of his life. Not only is he coaching against Believer, his team is going up against the most outstanding player of the college football season:
Redshirt Freshman Linebacker Roman Winkler. Roman is a descendant from a long line of Italians who managed to trace their lineage back to the age of the Holy Roman Empire. Standing at 6’ and weighing 219 pounds, Winkler is the perfect specimen and build for a Roman soldier. With over 9 statsheet appearances, Winkler led his team with 38 tackles, managing to tackle the likes of Luke Sikuli, Josiah Smallwood, Zachary McFadden, and even Gael Trujillo. The man alone has deflected passes from Adam Slone, caught interceptions from Jason Baum. If you think Amral Brown and Samuel Barfield are going to waltz through the Cardinals defense, THING AGAIN. Roman Winkler is all OVER the field. He’s in the backfield, he’s in the air. He’s coming for the ball, and he ain’t letting no Cowpoke get away from him. BOOM.
And that’s only the Cardinals defense. Their offense? The perfect run game led by Bryce Newby. The Cardinals RB has led the team in rushing with 1,143 yards, and securing the endzone with over 15 TDs. In his final regular season game, he tore the Golden Noodlz apart with 182 rushing yards and 3 TDs. To cap off how good this Cardinals team is, there’s also Heisman QB Troy McMurray.
If I was Coach Tack, I’d be scared right now.
Wednesday, March 20th, Minnesota vs Dub-Dub
Okay, this game looks pretty interesting.
The Dub Dub Huskies have been doing the same thing every year, and that’s surprisingly an improvement with how they ended last season. Djake Djavis finished the regular season tapped at 3,325 Passing yards, 28TD 7 INTS and a QB rating of 154.35. For those unaware, that’s a better QB rating the Cougs’ QB (F). Djavis manages to distribute the ball evenly in the air, with wideouts Jason Ivy, Davis Harley, and D.D.D.D.D.Dyson each catching for at least 700 yards. The Huskies also boast of having one of the better Offensive Lines in the league, (5.06), which is about .16 points better than Minnesota’s. The only caveat here is that their top defensive lineman Julius Mercer made the surprising (and right) move to sit out of this bowl game, in preparation for his future career in the NFLHC.
Minnesota is a squad that’s at least upgraded itself twice since coach Lucas rolled into his Alma-Mater. The Gophers picked up Robert Lynch from the JUCOs, and he’s been lighting it up since he was deemed the starter. We’re talking 3,486 passing yards, 26 TDs, and 6 INTs. Overall, a 151.33 QB rating as the icing on the cake. Tredaveon Jennings running for 1,237 yahds (you know what, I’m not going to correct this misspelling) and garnering 12 TDs on the ground. This gopher team knows how to throw the ball in the air, and run the ball through their gopher holes. Truly a balanced threat to take on my rival.
The one thing I hate about this game is that I have a West Coast bias, but this game also involves my rival. Regardless, I’m calling for this game to be a shootout. In which case it being a game with SO many points on the board, its called both a loss for the Gophers and for the Huskies.
Saturday, March 23rd, Rose Bowl (Nebraska vs. Oregon) @ 10:00pm EST.
By losing in the Pac-12 Conference Championship, the Oregon Cyberducks have ultimately blessed the Pac 12 with the gift of a playoff Berth. Their reward in return is the Rose Bowl. Against Playoff-Snubbed Nebraska.
If you think that’s going to stop Coach Bingo-Is-His-Name-O, you are badly mistaken. Jason Baum has proven time and time this season that this Oregon team is capable; and despite a sputter towards the latter half of the season, the Cyberducks managed to kick their little brother where it hurts and make it to the PAC 12 championship.
Sure, this Huskers team has made a few surprises. Sure the Huskers have managed to pull near losses to playoff teams *cough* Auburn *cough*. The truth lies in the cornfield empire; and despite barely not making it to the playoffs, Julius Caesar’s Huskers team has shown they belong on that stage. Despite this bowl being Franklin Riggins’ last game as a senior, the Cornhuskers are cracking their knuckles. They’re fastening their helmets, and they’re gonna be grabbin’ at pigskin. If the Cyberducks don’t show up in Pasadena, I’m afraid they’ll likely revert their mascot back to Donald Duck until Disney flips another lawsuit on them, that is.
I too would fear this Husker
This game is gonna be so amaizeing, there’s gonna be karma on the field y’all.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that wraps up PAC-12 Afterdark for the season. Thank you again for everyone on the west coast for watching this on primetime. For everyone on the east coast, god bless you for staying up so late.
Will Coach Djambo and the USCLA Trojans show the Alabama Tide how to properly wash out stains?
Will Tuscan finally stop crying and focus on winning?
Will JT Youngblood’s chicken be crispy enough for the Sun Bowl?
Will Michigan State show mercy on the husk that is Colorado?
Will Cultur3 finally have control of his QB in time to face the Convicts of Miami?
Will Minnesota and the Dub Dub actually lose their game?
Will Oregon avoid the wrath of Disney’s lawsuits and Nebraska’s run game?
Find out THIS BOWL SEASON. Be there. Be Square.