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TuscanSota

[2023] Pac 12 After Dark: Week 5

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Ladies and Gentlemen,

 

Coming to Week 5 of the 2023 Season it’s...


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Where we bring you the latest news happening in THE premier conference on the Best Coast of the United States.

 

Thank you for joining us. I know it's been awhile, but thank you for your patience for this week’s episode on West Coast Football. If you’re an east coast softie and hoping to get a glimpse at true American football, then I suggest you watch this instead. It’s family-friendly, nonviolent, and will not trigger your sensitive emotions.

 

Now go on. Git.

 

Spoiler

Before we begin, I want to do a quick recap on the past few week’s slate of games. A 1-5 sentence shout out to the Pac 12 teams who gave it their all - whether emerged victorious or gave up a win to satisfy normie football teams.

 

Arizona at FAU

We would like to apologize for all Florida Atlantic fans who thought that the Arizona Wildcats were going to be jet-lagged for a Saturday Morning game. East Coasters seem to forget - Pac 12 teams are early birds. Arizona got the worm-- er, the ball in this game. Christian “Paul” Noonan? Floridians loved watching him play football. Even better, they were snacking on his trademark baked goods by halftime. 

 

 

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Try stopping this non-profit delight, NCAA

 

 

Oregon State in General

JEEZ. Clark Kent out of nowhere leading the Beavers in the season. Other than the clearly blatant corruption that was the Georgia game (I WILL get to that later), the Beavers have made a statement as a West Coast team how superior they are! Mighty impressed.

 

Oregon vs Auburn at Mile High

I. TOLD. YOU. SO.

 

All Polls

I would like to publicly state that I find it rather sour that the polls are colluding to not vote for Pac 12 teams in the top 10. Pollsters can’t handle the truth!

 

DubDub

Djake Djavis turned up the heat against Utah and Hawaii and brought the Dawgs on top. Despite this being my rival, what I don’t like is the fact that Illinois slid croot points under the table for that cheap win against the Dawgs in Champagne, Illinois. A win’s a ‘win’, I suppose. Shoutout to D. Dyson for that dropped pass against Utah.

 

Fallen Comrades in OOC games

We would like to apologize for the “losses” Pac 12 teams had to incur during the past few weeks. The coaches from teams such as Ohio State, Oklahoma State, and Georgia couldn’t bear the weight of losing a football game. We get it. Football is a very emotional sport. Frankly, all teams in the Pac 12 are mature enough to carry the burden of one loss.

 

Now, onto this week’s match-ups!

 

Oregon at West Virginia

The Oregon Donald Ducks facing against the Best Virginia Mountainmen is not even a fair matchup. To face Coach John Denver’s Best Virginia squad should be considered an honor for any team. This Best Virginia squad returns a number of starters, including senior QB Lake Martin. One thing is sure though, this Mountainmen team that has yet to face competition on par with the Pac 12. The duo that is Joshua Allman Brothers Band and Luke Clearly has been torching teams all season. Auburn, California to name two in particular. Best Virginia might be boasting a dominant end in Dominic Hakuna Matata but that line won’t be singing “It means no worries” by the end of the first quarter. 

 

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Coach John "Smakemz" Denver preparing for gameday by playing a ballad


Even if it’s a Saturday morning game, expect the Ducks offensive line to deliver pancakes to Best Virginia’s front door. Regardless, I’m looking forward to this game. It’s a matchup almost made in heaven.

 

California Golden Noodlez at USCLA

Despite California coming up short in their previous matchup to Coach Bingo-is-his-name-O’s Cyberducks, that doesn’t mean this offense will miss a beat. Zachary McFadden (5.67 YPC) and Naiquon Barnboy (14.4 YPC!) have looked fantastic on the ground, a tandem combining for 435 yards with only three games into the season. Nick Ellison hasn’t been the most stellar when only comparing to other Pac 12 quarterbacks. Regardless, he is still heights above the rest of the teams eastward by proudly leading California.

 

California has already faced its first test in Oregon. Their next challenge is arguably just as tough with USCLA.

 

This is a team I honestly did not expect to do so well right out of the gates. QB Riley Sharp - a literal true freshman is doing what I would call a fantastic job with the Trojan(™) squad. As a freshman alone he has gone against a ‘tough’ team in Southern Miss, highly touted QB Shark Finn Leonard, and veteran senior QB David Edmonson from El Estado de San Diego. It’s hard to argue the man’s talent, but this success wouldn’t be without ground & pound support from Nintendo Villain Bowser, and a crowded room of receivers that I’m sure will go down as legends in the Pac 12 hall of fame. And the NFL too, I guess.

 

 

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Just look at this studly quarterback

 

What we have here folks is a Pac 12 matchup for the ages. There is NO other game like this, this week.

 

Arizona at USCLA

Despite Arizona barely waltzing by in their previous matchup to FAU, that doesn’t mean Noonan and the Crazy Kitties will miss a beat. Josiah Smallwood (5.04 YPC) and Akrum Toney (14.50 YPC) have looked fantastic on the ground, a tandem combining for 345 yards with only three games into the season. Christian ‘Paul’ Noonan has been efficient so far, but only when comparing to other Pac 12 quarterbacks. Regardless, he is still heights above the rest of the teams eastward by proudly leading Arizona.

 

Arizona has already faced its first (botched) test in Oklahoma State. Their next challenge is arguably just as tough with USCLA.

 

 

This is a team I honestly did not expect to do so well right out of the gates. QB Aaron Hardon - who literally started as a redshirt freshman a season ago is doing what I would call a fantastic job with this Bruins squad. As a QB who’s had to endure a lot of growth just to show his talents, he has gone against tough opponents such as Tate’s Balls, East Coastal Carolina and Stanfurd. It’s hard to argue Hardon’s talent, but his success wouldn’t be without ground & pound support from Tremaine Clemons and a crowded room of receivers that I’m sure will go down as legends in the Pac 12 hall of fame. And the NFL too, I guess.

 

 

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Just look at this studly quarterback

 

What we have here folks is a Pac 12 matchup for the ages. There is NO other game like this, this week.

 

Washington State at Hawaii Rainbow Warriors

If you told me that Washington State would not have lost a game yet by this week, I would’ve said you were lying. This is a Cougar squad that has somehow woken up and has been torching offenses since the start of the season.

No, seriously, Bradley Hassan leads the league in Passing Yards. He is tied for third in TDs, alongside USCLA QB Aaron Hardon. The man himself has made about almost 33% of his yardage from last season alone. The question remains, however, will this trend continue against one of the best teams in the west, the Hawaii rainbow Warriors?

That right there is up for debate. Wazzu can only do so well for so long. The team is ranked 24th now. People are noticing. And we know what happens when Wazzu starts to get noticed by other teams.

 

The West Coast cannibalizes the Cougars.

 

 

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Colorado almost began the Cannibalization last week

 

And what way to start this tradition than to face Mountain Best powerhouse Hawaii? Coach Gigigigem has been building up the school’s reputation for seasons now. JT Youngblood has been making waves as a freshman. That freshman, my friends, is now a man. He can run, pass, and slice through defenses like scissors cutting paper. This Hawaii squad has gone through a guillotine of OOC teams, namely the other team located in the state of Washington and Oklahoma State (another school ironically begging West Coach teams to take it easy on his squad hm….). This Saturday, all JT Youngblood needs to do is find his stride. And what a better for Gigigigem and JT than a home game in Honolulu against a coach he’s already crushed on both the football field and the recruiting trail?

 

 

The pressure’s on for the Cougars. Coach Toucan is known for failing to face the odds against really good QBs and really good teams. Despite the rumor that the Toucan has time-traveled to a reality where JT has found personal career success, will he be able to overcome his insecurities and defeat the rainbow warriors.

 

 

 

For real though, Hawaii has rainbows and rainbows are luck and luck just retired so there goes Hawaii

 

Oregon State at Utah

I feel bad for this Oregon State squad. Real bad. What coach Clark Kent is doing is the real deal. But what happened last week is a travesty and goes against the reputation for both the Pac 12 and the SEC. It’s clear that Georgia swept recruiting points under the table so that they could remain emotionally stable - but for the Beavers to be shut out 45-0? One has to argue that whatever points were passed on had to be enough to equate the value of such a score.

 

Regardless though, Oregon State is not a team that is mentally beaten down. This squad should bounce back this week, but they should know they are facing their greatest threat in unfamiliar waters. A shark.

 

 

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Shark Finn Leonard is rumored now to be dwelling within the Great Salt Lake. After licking his wounds against too-sharp USCLA QB Riley Sharpe, Shark Finn is ready to go back at it. Instead of facing sturdy trojan warriors, he’s hunting beavers.

 

 

However this game plays out on Saturday Night, the results will be too dam-ing to place on paper

 

 

Arizona Solar Devils at the Colorado River fighting against the Last Buffalo Herd

 

If you haven’t been paying attention, the number of Bison fans in Boulder has been dwindling by the week. The illegal poaching that’s occurred from the NFL has done a number to this squad; it remains astonishing though that this squad is still able to muster up some strength. Mike Naylor’s performance this season has been nothing but stellar. A miracle, I could argue. His ability to keep games close to teams such as Georgia and Washington State should be noted and is an important factor to consider for the Bison force. A win against the Solar Devils would put Mike Naylor and this Colorado squad back on the map.

 

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The fate of this buffalo herds lies in the hands of Mike Naylor

 

Can they complete such a feat? That’s up for debate. Israel Carlson is one of the top running backs in the conference, and for good reason: he’s averaging 6.4 yards per carry and tallied 390 rushing yards through three games. His performance is the key to this offense, giving QB Townsend’s passing game breathing room and giving offense time on the field. The question remains, however, will this be enough against a Colorado defense that has incurred 5 Tackles for Loss so far?

 

The Solar Devils have faced stiff competition already and had to incur losses by desperate east coast coaches. This game, however, will be on a fair playing field between two teams that actually care about putting a product on the field. For West Coasters on Saturday night, this should be a game to remember.

 

And honestly, that's all of our matchups for today. A final slate of out-of-conference games, and what looks to be the initial start of conference play - the best part of the season.

 

Will Oregon triumph over Best Virginia despite hearing Country Roads after every touchdown?

Will USCLA triumph over California, or will coach Noodlez pull the massive upset?

Will USCLA triumph over Arizona, or will coach Brightfalls pull the massive upset?

Will Coach Toucan finally beat a really good team and a really good quarterback?

Will Oregon State's mascot survive the feasting that will occur in Salt Lake City?

Will Mike Naylor protect his Bison herd from the wrath of the Solar Devils, or will the Solar Devils notch a serious win under their belt?

Will we ever stop telling the truth about East Coast Football? No.

 

Find out this week, on PAC 12 AFTER DARK!

 

 

 

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So I did some thinking this morning and decided that I'm going to do something different for the next Pac 12 After Dark. It's fun coming up jokes and bad puns, but I want to make sure that the content for After Dark remains fresh. So, I will be answering Fan Mail. So if you're interested, send me a PM with any question that you might have regarding the Pac 12 or why you can't stay up late to read this amazing article.

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